


iwaoi is love shrek is life

by an3m1c



Category: Chicken Little (2005), Godzilla - All Media Types, Haikyuu!!, Shrek (Movies), Shrek The Musical - Tesori/Lindsay-Abaire, Space - Fandom
Genre: M/M, SO, listen, none of us were anywhere near sober, this was supposed to be a shrek iwaoi crack fic and now its a masterpiece
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-05
Updated: 2021-02-05
Packaged: 2021-03-17 05:55:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29220585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/an3m1c/pseuds/an3m1c
Summary: [♪ All-Star By Smash Mouth Playing]Italicized oh.
Relationships: Donkey/Dragon (Shrek), Fiona/Shrek (Shrek), Hanamaki Takahiro & Iwaizumi Hajime & Matsukawa Issei & Oikawa Tooru, Hanamaki Takahiro & Matsukawa Issei, Hanamaki Takahiro/Dragon (Shrek), Hanamaki Takahiro/Iwaizumi Hajime/Matsukawa Issei/Oikawa Tooru, Hanamaki Takahiro/Matsukawa Issei, Iwaizumi Hajime & Oikawa Tooru, Iwaizumi Hajime/Fiona (Shrek), Iwaizumi Hajime/Godzilla, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru, Matsukawa Issei/Donkey (Shrek), Oikawa Tooru/Shrek (Shrek)
Comments: 10
Kudos: 31





	iwaoi is love shrek is life

**Author's Note:**

> Listen...  
> Listen.
> 
> Yup.

Once upon a time, a prince that was so handsome that was unreal is saved by a knight and they live happily ever after. 

“This is shit” says Hajime as he toss the book away

  
*dramatic zoom into a fucking big book full of bullshit stories (fuck u disney)* 

“PSYCH.”

Who the, who is this green uh man?

“Iwaizumi Hajime,” The greem man glared (why am I still narrating this is weird). “But YOU can call me Shrek.”

Okay then, here we have Shrek. Shrek is our, protagonist so we shall say. An ogre!.

“Don’t call me that!”

What protagonist?

“Yeah, don’t call me that. Let me lice my fucking life in peace,” Iwaizumi Shrek shoos the narrator (me) away and continues with his life in the swamp in the middle of a florest (what the fuck is this florida??). 

[♪ All-Star By Smash Mouth Playing]

♪ Get your game on, go play. Hey, now, you're a volleyball player who totally went to nationals. Get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold, only shootin' stars break the mold. ♪

To literally nobody’s surprise, Iwaizumi Shrek or shrek chan continues on with his life in his forest swamp, occasionally going into town to buy milk bread and scare villagers (swamp life is cool and all but sometimes shrek just yeah).

One day as he is minding his own business returning home from the market a fucking ass runs into his donkey! Wait no. a fucking ass runs into his ass! Wait that’s also not it. OH i GOT IT

A donkey runs into his donkey!

And this fucking donkey has the audacity to FUCKING SPEAK TO HIM AND-

“Wait you talk?” Shrek chan asks the donkey.

(oh shit iwaizumi Shrek has a point there about the talking donkey and whatnot)

“Hey man don’t freak out okay. I just need some help running away from these tin men hoes.” The donkey says (a sentence i never thought i’d say in my life ever, why donkeys can talk? Because fantasy is dope).

Shrek [waves vaguely and violently in every direction]

“Yeah yeah chill out man okay. I just need you to square up those beefy green arms of yours and just let me hide behind you okay?”

“And why the fuck should i do that for a possesed donkey?” shrek chan says as three men walk towards him. One of them looks like he’d rather be dead asleep.The other two indeed look like men hoes.

“Uhhhh.” Donkey searches for an excuse. “Becuase…. FUCK THE POLICE THAT’S WHY.” he runs behind shrek chan’s massive arms.

Shrek sighs. He does hate cops, so fuck them. He decides he’ll hide the talking donkey out of spite.He can always scare the cops out and eat the donkey with strange pink hair. Is he high? (no but i am)

“How are you doing today good sirs?” Shrek puts on his best british accent.

“Fuck you shrek, we know who you are,” the sleepy soldier says.

“A ugly ogre!” anothe random soldier say because i don’t want to name it 

“I’m not a fucking ogre, im just green, mother fucjer”

“I swear by my family name kinimi that you are most definitely orgre

So shrek chan growls because he doesnt know waht to say. Hes fucking green, of course people think hes an ogre (but he’s not)

[Hajime Whispers] “This is the part where you run away.”

And so Shrek and Donkey ran away from the three soldiers as fast as they can albeit they really didnt have to run that fast beacuse the kunimi soldier didn’t move from his spot like at all. The man didn’t even try to walk to catch them. Dude wtf are you not going to do your job???

[kunimi continues to Not Move]

[♪ Living la vida loca by Ricky martin playing while shrek chan and the possessed donkey run]

Once they are out of sight of the soldier hoes (cause they look a lot like hoes, cmon), shrek chan turns to donkey. “Okay donkey bitch what the fuck is going on?”

  
  


“Whod do you call bitch, green britch?” the donkey yeells “they wanted to sell me for beans”

“I’d prefer beans over a talking donkey!!! BITCH!1!!!!!” Shrek says mad. “Also fyi i’m not Grean Bitch. I’m Iwaizumi Shreak Hajime.” Shrek is super sensitive about people messing up his name. “But you can just call me Shrek.”

“Oh wow what an honer sir shrekness” doneky faux bows. “And i’m hanamakki. hanamakkiakki donkey. But YOU can call me makki donkey.”

“Okay makki ass”

The donkey sighs “Everyone wants a piece of this ass, so that’s okay”

“Everyone but me. I’m gay i don’t even like donkeys” says hajime as he starts to rap the entire “My name is” from Eminem and the donkye just stares at him like he had lost his fucking mind 

“Isnt’ it common on fairy tales that people sings?” shrek chan ask and donkey just laugh because singing is so gay

“It’ is for gays, tho” donkey says

“*SIGH* IT REALLY IS. in that case, makki ass, lets sing for the gays”

“But im not gay” says the donkey  
  
“Yes you are, i recognice my people” says Shrekc chan

sHREK HERE, like any other respectable gay man ogre is kindly implying to makki ass that he does indeed have the ggayest of slouches. And he’s a donkey (didnt know donkeys could sloch huh? Wel.l that’s racism so stop it. Everyone can be gay. gay=happy. Be gay do cri- wait) basically donkey makki ass is gay and he’s like mhanging out with shrek and i guess they’re best pals and whatnot.

What they didnt know was that their singing for the gays reached two gays. (omg soulmate au?) Oikawa Toou and Matsun iseii, two gays that are lock in a shitty castle, are strugglig too with theri gayness. The castle is a metaphore for a closet, like a really rich person’s closet so i guess also a metaphore for capitalism but like, we need to destroy the capitalism, folks, thats the message! Thanks for coming to our ted talk!!

Now we resume shrek. Because lets be honest, our green boy needs to get laid

So true.

Unknown to shrek and donkey who thought they weree wandering aimlessy they were actually walking towards the castle where oikawa and matsun were helded. You nkow, the aoba johsai castle.. Because they sang for the gays which is actually an ancient form of unbeknownst thirdt trapping.

“Why are we here?” says the donkey, looking at the castle “this looks dangerous and gay”

“The king washijo give me a mission” says our boy shrek chan

DOnkey looks at shrek in confusion. “The fuck. Shiwajo?” 

“No makki ass, washijo.”

“Idc, i don’t respect him. Fuck him”

“Okay whatever i dont care waht you think makki ass”

NOOOO WASHIIJO IS THE FARQUAAD

SHH NO SPOILERS

So the two gays walked into the castle. Maybe they actually faught a little but unimportant because shrek’s beefy arms punch. His beefy arms can destroy an army, it’s a science fact!

no i wanna go ack to the fighting. are you tlkaing about te schene where he beats up everybody in the wwe ring or is that already been discussed

cause i think we need to think about the new reputation song

  
  


i don’t remember ANYTHING

Like nothing,,, i’m guestimating the plot

MADE A PLAYLIST

tHANK YOU [borat voice} MY WIFE   
  


Sending you the playlist wit 5 songs

  
  


no im talking about how the guards run at shrek and the visual joke is that theyre in a boxing ring and it’s like the wwe. but skrek bets them over the head like theyre a show like even have the chair smash. 

you gotta write this part i have no clue i was making things up after his run in with donkey

like i just think shrek should take his sexc sexy arms and puck up a dude and throw him and a bunch of early aughtss animation looking peasants are screaming and holdying up signs

IWA IS SHREK??????? IWA IS SHREK CHAN!

I SAID SEXY WITH TEH INTENTION THAT SHREK COULD JUST GET SEXY ARMS………

Shrek became a whole damn iwaizumi

god

anyway so washijo is a bitch ass motherfucker who sends shrek on a death quest to find the milf dragon. wait no. he wants the rincess the milf dragon is just there and then 

IWA IS rescuing both (fiona) oikawa and (dragon) matsun

FUCK 

IWA DILF FROM DRAGON MILF

okay so anyway so washijo is a bitch ass motherfucker who sends shrek on a death quest to find the milf dragon AND the princess. nd iwa is such a little fucker with a rat brain that he angy adn whatever he can do this. he doesnt care he’s not going to die and then the swamp is back/

[♪ I’m a believer By Smash Mouth Playing on the background]

Yeah so big beefy iwa punches some guards away pow pow and then plans on rescuing oikawa and matsun from this castle thats actually a metaphor for a bunch of shitty shit (idk shrek as a social commentary film or whatever). Shrek uses makki ass’s super sniffer nose to find the lcations of oikawa and milf dragon.

To everyone’s surprise, makki’s super snigger nose worked great. Shrek reminds himself to give makki a 5 star review on yelp. Everyone needs s high donkey, he thinks. 

When they reached the cell where the dragon milf and princess were held, iwaizumi shrek BONKED them down with his massive shrek arms.

When the two locked eyes with oikawa and matsun

*swoon*

Love at first sight.

[♪ Hello by Lionel Richie is Playing on the background]

Makki thinks Matsun might be the prettiest dragon being he has ever seen. He really was gay huh. And into dragons, apparently, the turns of the life for the gays

And Iwaizumi. Oh this bboy was WHIPPED. Damn he was ready to worship the ground oikawa walks on because *wolf whistle noises* HA GAY.

But Oikawa is giving him a weird look. 

"Why are you green?" The beautiful princess ssys "Why an ogre came for me? I didn't sign for this shit!" 

"You didn't sign for shit" the dragon says, still checking out the donkey 

“YEAH WELL YOU CANT READ” oikawa retorts.

“I’m a dragon not an illiterate and i’m definitely not- (jared, 19)”

“Beautiful,” makki interrupts.

[♪ All-Star By Smash Mouth Playing]

Oikawa and Iwaizumi Shrek look on in both horror and confusio

n

And then they turned to look at each other.

[♪ All-Star By Smash Mouth Playing]

Italicised oh.

Oikawa was the most beautiful person shrek had ever seen in his entire ogre life. And iwaizumi shrek was the greenest person oikawa has ever seen in his life.

“I’m oikawa fiona tooru”

“I think i will call you shittykawa” shrek responds.

“Okay bitchy space alien and who the fuck are you?”

“I’m iawaizumi shrek hajime. But you can just call me shrek” shrek pouts.

“Okay i will call you iwa chan”

“You’re kind of a bitch shittykawa.”

“Yeah but at least i’m hot”

“That you are”

“What”

“What”

“Hey bitches!” donkey yells from the back of the drago- wait wtf how did he get up th- nvm.

The two brainless pinning fools look up at donkey.

“You two green people ready to hop onto the love of my life and get out of here before one of us gets pregnart?”

Oikawa and iwaizumi look at each other and forgot iwaizumi claiming that oikawa was hot and by doing so they also make a pact with no one other than god themself that they will continue to shove their feelings for each other up their asses where the sun doesnt shine and they can ignore those for way too fucking long.

the other thing they can shove is It because i think this is at the point the castle breaks. if the dragon is not there to absolutely fuck up the castle, maybe it was something else in this au. like space laser. Ash i think you should definitely write in a space laser pls do the honors. We need all kind of shit here

[♪ I’m a believer By Smash Mouth Playing on the background]

  
  


all of them can hop on the dragon’s back and Oh thank you i am honored i think i am most qualified. okay so at that moment, there is a crossover between the shrek universe and the chicken little universe (fuck yes!!) and suddenly a spaceship appears out of the sky. i do not remember who the antagonist of chicken little is but they are there suddenly and in this thruple universe they are represented by ushijima, bc making shiratorizawa the villain is super original in haikyuu fanned fiction

ushijima appears and says “oikawa tooru is a bitch ass motherfucker. he fucking pissed on my wife. that’s right he took his quilly little [redacted] out and said it was THIS BIG no you idiout its like [redacted] the size of a walnut.t and he fucking pissed on my wife. well i decided that im gonna piss on the earth. BBBRBRRB that’s right im gonna hit it with my super laser pss”

and with ma firin ma lazer blaaarararargh the laser hit the castle and instantly destroys is. the team only has a few short time before they are trapped in the castle forever !!!!! or vaporized 

What if we mention a whole fucking mess and then godzilla appears?! Idk 

GODZILLE THE ULTIMATE FAIRYTALE CHARACTER

EVERYTHING IS BETTER WITH GODZILLA SAYS THE IWA KINNIE 

waIT IS GODZILLA GODZILLA OR IS LIKE SOMEONE FROM HQ GODZILLA WAIT NOT OMG FIONA IS GODZILLE PLOT TWIST!!!!

OIKawa fione doesn't turn into an ogre, HE TURNS INGTO FUCKING GODZILLA BY THE NIGHT but now oikawa is super self concious about is big godzilla bod so he doesn’t tell iwaizumi the love of his life.

i definitely thought yu were gonna say big godzilla d

………… words can be replaced

now im thinking about tht post where someone said iwa’s dick wouldnt actually be huge bc he was loteraly designed by god to be good for other people so it was just a mildly long perfectly sized dick and he wasnt this huge macho man. i think about that constantly. who the fuck wrote that. it wasnt [REDACTED NAME] bt it wa like that brand of hqtwt

…..this is not something i expect to read tonight. Is that a galaxy brained thought.. Its kinda a galaxy brained though

OIKawa big dick energy cause he's godzilla here - oh wait i thought i lost the plot bc iwa was godzilla. iwa is shrek. okay so oikawa is self conscious about his godzilla di YOU COWARD SDKJGBSKGBWSG

IWAZILLA AGENDA!!!wait this is still shrek au 

OIKAWA ISNT THERE TO BE FIONA HE’S ACTUALLY JUST RELVIGN THE PLOT OF SHREK BC HE THOUGHT IT WOULD HELP HIM FIND HOT ASS LIKE FIONA GETS 

HE WATCHED THE MOVIE AND THEN JUST LOCKED HIMSELF IN A TOWER

GODZILLA IS HERE ANND HE”S BETTER THAN EVER! NOW: GAY

[♪ Pacific rim ost Playing HARDon the background]

he teaches iwa how to accept his feelings and deal wth the overwhelming guilt placed on us by our society for loving the same determined-at-brith=-by-arbitrary-factrs gender as ourselves 

the government cannot and should not know my gender they would die. This was their most powerful weapon.

Meanwhile so much time has passed that matsuhana already had their dradonkey babies. (Curse babies) Yeah that’s right, it’s been that long, feeling old yet? That’s because i have your kneecaps, sit down grandpa.

in real actual time theres been about thirty minutes and in weed time, 15 hours. so that’s planety of time for mattsuhana curse babies to be summed by the traditional netherworld mincreaft strategy. plese dont ask where they got the bones. They just pressed the right bottoms, they are hackers too, loser. Crack the game and have curse babies (damn mattsuhana got themselves a laptop despite being no money donkey and dragon...impressive. They seem like a mac family).MATSUHANA SUPREMACY, THEY CSN DO ANYTHING

even tho they didnt require it for curse babies they would have celebratory [redacted]. how with a dragon? dont worry about it there’s weirder aus probably.

the space lasers were about to kill them all indirectly (the castle, i am reminding you about the castle) and so godzilla (whoever that is) grabs shrek in his hot scaly godzilla arms and jumps off of the little ledge that separates the tiwer and the other side with lava. he doesnt need to get on dragon’s back bc a that would kill him and b he is godzilla now. it’s a good image. take a second. imagine it. ok continue.

And so, castle burning down from space lasers (that were shot by Ushijima who's is also a space pinocchio who can't lie) oikawa godzilla with iwaizumi shrek in hand and mattsun with makki ass on his back ride off into the sunset like a mission impossible movie but it’s a castle and [waves at seijoh 4].

is this happy ever after or did they figure out the pining. do they still hae to pine and is this the movie where fiona beats up men in the woods (icon). we still have to kill farquaad.

I FORGOT ABOUT FARQUAD OOHH AND THE PINNING

Okay, what if seijoh 4 are riding godzilla OIKawa (cause he can carry a fucking dragon too) and are on their way to eat pizza and OIKawa step on Farqad?

**Author's Note:**

> cherrytreebridge, Mondisaster, and I were not sober enough to finish writing this but here's the rest of the cast of characters have fun:
> 
> shrek = iwa  
> fiona = oiks  
> Donkey = Makki  
> Dragon = Mattsun  
> Farqad? = YES FUCK U WASHIJO!  
> The magic mirror from snowhite = kita  
> Gingerbread man = kindaichi  
> Sleepy soldier = kunimi  
> Pinocchio = USHIJIMA  
> Puss = Tendou  
> 3 little pigs = …...miya twins and aran


End file.
